And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I will be naked everywhere
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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