No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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