best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
