I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
we're making bets on your personal life
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
