What did we do last night that was yellow?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize