Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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