Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
