How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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