go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
