The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
