I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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