After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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