I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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