just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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