Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
