Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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