I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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