Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
