dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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