glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
