On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
