I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
