Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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