How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
