her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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