Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
