I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
