I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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