life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
