I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
