he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
