I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
