yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
