So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
this will be a night to untag.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
