Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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