So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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