burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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