my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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