Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
