mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
