Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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