she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
