He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
