my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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