Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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