How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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