Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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