I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
