So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
