I swear she didn't look like that last week.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
