So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
