My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize