why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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