Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
