Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
