My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I need to sanitize my soul.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
