i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
