Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
