3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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