he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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