So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
