so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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