I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
