Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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