So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
