Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
