if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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